Glenn Cochrane: Mae West can’t beat May in the Beach

After a typical Toronto winter which always seems so long and so dour, we are finally heading happily into the Merry Month of May and not a moment too soon, if you ask me. According to my notes the month is named after Mae West, a popular stage and movie performer back in the 1930s and ’40s. Little is known about her today which I believe is the result of a cover up on the part of her bosses, which is what they were always urging her to do. Cover up, that is, which I am adding for purposes of clarification. Mae is long back in the days of her buxom prime. Mae is no longer with us sadly but now May is beckoning us with the promise of warm days and soft nights ahead, so let us all relax and enjoy the good things to come.

There is a certain amount of peril that lies in the future and that has to do with male teenagers who live in the Beach. I am not sure just how this happens but I believe the warm months tend to inflame the already huge appetites of young men most of whom are over six feet tall and all of whom are ravenously hungry when the noon lunch break rolls around and that is when I get nervous.

I will be out for a late morning stroll when suddenly the quiet of a typical Beach day is shattered by the sounds of pounding feet and hoarse cries such as “Leave some for me to eat at the store will you!” echo up and down our usually peaceful thoroughfares. It is nothing to fear actually, it is just several hundred famished teenagers on their way to filling stations where they gore on healthy food such as chocolate bars and licorice whips.

And I must say they are an extremely polite lot, never failing to apologize on those occasions when I am sent careening into a garbage container as they thunder past. And that is just from the downdraft! To sum up, I bear those young men no ill-will and I am sure they will stoutly defend me and my loved ones should enemy forces ever dare to invade our shores.

I bumped into my old friend Socks Donahue the other day and I must say he is looking as fit as a man his age can be. I asked my pal what he is doing for a living now and adopting a somewhat furtive stance he finally stated that he is looking for venture capital to help him launch his latest endeavor. It turned out that he is selling bottled water from Lake Ontario which he asserted, with a conviction that partially won me over, that a daily swig will alleviate 27 different ailments including dropsy and Worthington’s Gout. After a good deal of pondering I declined his offer to let me in on the ground floor but I did make note of his office number which I will gladly pass along to any interested parties.

Getting back to the weather, along with all right-thinking Canadians in this part of the country I enjoyed the relatively mild weather we experienced this past winter but to me there is a down side attached. We didn’t get  much snow and if this keeps up and that could mean that the next generation will grow up not knowing how to make a snowball and I believe this will result in a serious void in the proper education of our youth.

Every youngster should know how to make a snowball, or erect a snow fort or build a snowman with a carrot for a nose which can be placed on the front lawn so it is the first thing Dad sees when he comes home from work.

In other developments, Yoshi Kawano and her husband Barry Horn of Yoshi’s Sweets on Queen Street East near Beech, organized a fundraiser for the victims of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami. They raised about $7,000 through the sale of Japanese food made by them for the event, plus a bakery specialty, apple fritters. As well, Beach merchants generously donated items for a lottery.


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