Sturdy Gert McCurdy is back in town and the Sturdy one’s many friends will no doubt be interested in learning that she has brought her latest love with her. His name is Earmuff Billy Sanderson, and that’s all I know about the chap because his jaw has been wired shut as the result of a set-to he had with the Sturdy one last week over whose turn it was to pay the bar bill.
Usually I steer clear of any fracas involving Sturdy but I’m on her side in this one because she does not drink. However I am still going cautiously, on the grounds that, if she should happen to change her mind, this would automatically place me in the enemy camp thus incurring her wrath. If that occurs, I will have to begin looking for a new place to live as soon as my wounds heal.
However there is a gentle side to my old friend and it was on display recently when she was guest of honor at the annual flower show. She was at her charming best, saying nice things about the flowers she liked and quietly trashing the ones that did not meet her high standards.
At the end of the event, Sturdy was guest of honor at Eddie’s Bar and Grill which in truth is not the classiest joint in town, but it is the only establishment in town with enough chairs to accommodate the large crowd attracted by the opportunity to chat with my popular friend.
The chair shortage, by the way, was caused during celebrations observing the epic triumph by the lightly-regarded Munro Park Minstrels over an overwhelming squad from Buffalo which, according to rumors which persist to this day, was stocked with 14 well-paid professional ringers.
In any event, the local squad carried the day and the triumph is observed by proud inhabitants to this very day. Unfortunately, with every action there is a reaction, and in this case, the reaction has been a severe shortage of chairback rungs, which means that visitors, unaware of the rich traditions we all enjoy, tend to fall over backwards when they first sit down.
I have tried posting a sign which read “Beware of backless chairs” but people pay them no heed and the end result is that any public gathering is quite often disrupted by the sound of people sitting down, then suddenly toppling over backwards. For some reason people seem to find this funny, but as a proud resident I am distressed by the situation, and I am currently pressing Sturdy Gert to take up the cause. If this should occur, I can guarantee that change will indeed happen.
But getting back to the Sturdy one, I am pleased to report that she is happy and recovering quite nicely from injuries suffered when a Malamute attacked her. The owner was very apologetic and offered to pay for any expenses she incurred as a result of the incident, but Sturdy waved him off saying it was only a dog and didn’t know any better. The dog’s owner took exception to this, and started to scuffle with Sturdy, and that’s when the dog sprung into action. I believe it is incidents like this that lead to the uncertain tenor of our times.
Events then unfolded in lightning fashion. First, Sturdy threw a three-pound steak which she found in her purse to the dog, then she squared off against the owner and delivered a thunderous blow to the jaw which rendered him unconscious.
Once the dust had settled, Sturdy led a group of admirers to the nearest bar and stood them all to a round of milk shakes, but that’s just the kind of girl that Sturdy is. She is generous to her friends and you can always tell her enemies, because they are the ones sporting shiners and with their arms in casts.
Sturdy is going to be around in these parts for a while, something about a warrant for her arrest up north, so I shall be filing more information as it becomes available.